Yesterday we went to the Marsden for the first of my bone strengthening treatments as well as a clinic appointment to see how I was (and whether I had changed my mind on having chemo). Just before we arrived I pulled out our annual car parking pass and found that it expired that day.
I remember quite clearly buying the thing a year ago and at the time, aside from thinking it was ridiculously economical to spend £100 for a years parking versus £2 an hour, my thoughts were “I wonder how much time I’ll end up spending at the hospital?” and “I wonder if I’ll be renewing this thing in a year?”. The answer to the first question was far more time then I would have liked and the answer to the second question ends up being no, but not for the reason I would have preferred.
The Marsden is a very busy hospital and often clinics/appointments run pretty late, so we’re used to the odd frustrating appointment spent waiting forever. Yesterday was another busy day with long wait times, but I really struggled with it. In total we spent probably 10 minutes with the doctor at clinic and maybe 30 mins getting the bone drug. The remaining 5 hours was spent just waiting on chairs of varying comfort.
It wasn’t so much the length of time that was difficult, it was the lack of control over how I was spending my time. If I wasn’t at the hospital I’d probably be at home on the sofa browsing the web but that would be my choice to spend my limited time doing. I have no control over what the cancer is doing, how long it will take, what it will do but I should have control as much as possible over what I spend my time doing. It doesn’t help that I can be impatient though..
One thing it did I guess was reinforce my decision not to have any further treatment. Ignoring the fact it probably wouldn’t help much anyway… waiting around in the Marsden just isn’t something I wish to spend my time doing.
After a lovely evening courtesy of my sister and brother in law last night Taz and I got home late and rather then sensibly go to bed we ended up deep in conversation about schools, truancy, bullying etc. It got to the end of the conversation and as often happens we both commented on how much we enjoyed talking to each other. My instinct was to immediately say I’m going to miss talking to you about these things and then it hit me……
I’m not going to miss anything because I’ll be dead, I can only be sad that others will miss what I say and who I am.
I got pretty upset initially thinking that but then I realised that it makes the whole thing that little bit easier for me. I can be and am incredibly sad and upset that my family and friends will have to deal with the “after” but I won’t have to deal with it myself.
I just checked my calendar and saw that a year ago today we submitted our notice of marriage to the registry office. Anniversaries are weird for us because the situation we’ve ended up in is so far from how things were a year ago, even when we knew we were facing something so difficult. I count today as a good “peculiar” anniversary though, I knew I was getting married in 2 weeks time and couldn’t have felt happier.